葉英傑詩世界/銅鑰Blog | What the Doctor said - Raymond Carver

What the Doctor said - Raymond Carver

Posted by poetyip on 23 六月, 2013 12:52

Category翻譯詩介紹及我的劣譯 | PrintPrint View

之前買了卡佛的詩全集英文版,試譯了一篇,我知道自己的譯本只是一般,所以當譯林出版社出了他這詩集的譯本,我想也不想就買下來。之前在Facebook和鍾國強及其他詩友討論過關於對他的詩的翻譯問題。心想這一次不如就列出兩個翻譯版本讓人參考比較。

舒丹丹譯本:

醫生說的話 雷蒙德。卡佛 舒丹丹譯

 

他說看上去不太好

他說看上去很糟事實上真的很糟

他說在一邊肺上我數到了三十二個然後

我就沒再數了

我說我很高興我不想知道

比那更多的情況了

他說你信教嗎你會不會跪在

森林的小榭叢裡讓自己祈求神助

當你來到一片瀑布

水霧吹拂在你的臉和手臂上

在那些時刻你會不會停下來祈求諒解

我說還沒有但我打算從今天起開始

他說真的很遺憾他說

我真希望能有一些別的消息給你

我說阿門而他說了些別的什麼

我沒聽懂也不知道該做些什麼

我不想要他不得不又重覆一次

也不想自己不得不將它全部消化

我只是望著他

望了一分鐘他也回望我就在那時

我跳起來和這個人握手是他剛剛給了我

這個世上別的人不曾給過我的東西

出於強大的習慣我甚至還要感謝他

舒丹丹的卡佛詩全集譯作《我們所有人》可在這裡購買

附上是另一譯者小二的譯作,是之前和詩友在FB討論的。譯詩原文在此。我就不貼出來了。我個人的感覺是,舒丹丹的譯本比較像中文,讀上來順口一點。不過,我覺得最尾一行就真的不好,套用看命相的人最喜歡的說法,這是「十清一濁」……什麼是「強大的習慣」?有「薄弱的習慣」嗎?這裡小二譯成「積習難改」,肯定是順口多了。

由於有上面兩個這麼好的譯本,我自己肯定不可能比他們更好,所以這次我不獻醜了。

原文:

 What The Doctor Said   Raymond Carver


He said it doesn't look good
he said it looks bad in fact real bad
he said I counted thirty-two of them on one lung before
I quit counting them
I said I'm glad I wouldn't want to know
about any more being there than that
he said are you a religious man do you kneel down
in forest groves and let yourself ask for help
when you come to a waterfall
mist blowing against your face and arms
do you stop and ask for understanding at those moments
I said not yet but I intend to start today
he said I'm real sorry he said
I wish I had some other kind of news to give you
I said Amen and he said something else
I didn't catch and not knowing what else to do
and not wanting him to have to repeat it
and me to have to fully digest it
I just looked at him
for a minute and he looked back it was then
I jumped up and shook hands with this man who'd just given me
something no one else on earth had ever given me
I may have even thanked him habit being so strong

資訊與連結

歡迎回應或看他人的回應,更歡迎各位連結到這一版。



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